Comments for speak what we feel not what we ought to say Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:31:11 +0000 hourly 1 Comment on I don’t want to mess up our friendship by dating. by reneamac Tue, 17 Jan 2012 22:31:11 +0000 Wow. Thanks, Kirsten, for writing and sharing your story because there are others out there in a similar situation who need the encouragement too! If I’ve got the timeline right, you’ve had feelings for this friend of yours for 3, going on 4 years. That’s a heck of a long time. I can tell you’re a “sink with the ship” kinda gal. That’s a good quality.

I don’t know your friend, but chances are he is not maliciously stringing you along or leading you on. Most likely, he genuinely does value you and your friendship and he’s afraid of messing that up and loosing you. And yet, even though his intentions may be good, his actions are selfish. You’re in misery. And by refusing to just say no, he is keeping you miserable, in limbo.

As I see it, you only really have one option considering all the information you’ve given. Move on. You have to move on.

Now, you can do this one of two ways: you can move on while still being his friend, or you can move on entirely. Both are valid options. I know everyone thinks that the more noble choice is to continue being friends, but that’s just not true. Sometimes what is more healthy for both of you is to let go of the friendship too.

If you decide to still be friends, you’ll need to reestablish some boundaries in your friendship with this man and let your feelings for him fade. You’ll need to let him know that you’re fine just being friends but that your friendship has to change. You can’t spend time with him in the same way you would a boyfriend. That’s gonna keep you from being able to get over him, and it will keep you from being able to be with someone who actually wants to be with you! And, this won’t work if you’re trying to use other guys to help you forget about or have fewer feelings for your friend. It. Won’t. Work. On top of being an unhelpful solution for you, what you’re really doing is using people, and that’s just plain wrong.

If however, you decide you can’t just be friends because you’ve tried that already and it didn’t work. It might not be possible for your feelings to fade. That’s okay. Let him know you can’t be just friends with him, that you don’t see him as just a friend and it kills you to be just his friend; that you want something more and you’ll never be satisfied with less. If that’s how you feel, that’s okay, and it’s important to know what you want and persue it insofar as what you want and your persuit of it is not self-centered in a way that comes at the cost of another person.

Who knows, moving on may show him that he can’t have his cake and eat it too. It may help him realize that he does indeed have feelings for you as you feel sure he does, or if nothing else, that he is already messing up his friendship with you by trying to hold on to you in a way you’re unable to be held.

Like I said, this may happen as a result of moving on and not hanging out with him anymore. But, it may not. So you can’t decide to stop hanging out with him entirely on the hope that this will happen. If you need to move on, you need to do it out of care for yourself and care for him even if he never returns your romantic feelings.

However, if you decide to have your cake and eat it too by still holding on to him or the idea of him even though it’s killing you, then you can’t blame him for making you miserable; you’re making yourself a martyr and you only have yourself to blame. So, if you can’t just be his friend, then you ought to let him go. It’s a diservice to you and to him to hold on to something that isn’t there.

You’re absolutely right about one thing, Kirsten. You’re valuable. You’re worth the risk. So take a risk on yourself, and move on one way or another.

I’m rooting for you.

Comment on Question Tuesday: Healthful Boundaries with the Weight Loss Culture by Rhett & Valerie Tue, 17 Jan 2012 16:02:55 +0000 This is such an important question. To be honest, I think a lot of folks in the church just get this one wrong. But it’s hard to know how to get it right!

I hear a lot of talk about the sin of gluttony, but because over-eating was likely not very much of a problem for most of the poverty-stricken Christians of the first century, I think the Bible is largely silent on this issue. Which means we have to think a little more carefully about how to approach issues of excess and sloth… there’s a balance we need to strike between gnosticism and conflating thinness and fitness with virtue; and that’s a hard line to walk.

What about the sins of bulemia and anorexia? The sins of teaching young women that to be loveable they need to look, dress, and act a certain way? Perfectionism runs pretty rampant in the Christian undergraduate school I graduated from, and I knew several young women who battled anorexia and unrealistic expectations of their bodies. These expectations were directly linked to the teaching that being fat is a sin (ie, the sin of gluttony). But what were the Biblical foundations for that teaching? I’m not sure.

On the other extreme is the false idea of “my body’s just going to die anyway, and then I’ll be disembodied in heaven. So why take care of my physical body now?” That kind of thinking just ignores the truth and reality of the resurrection, and the many examples of discipline and

So it seems like the thoughts in the church on this issue are so extreme! Either there’s no emphasis at all on our bodies as temples and our need to be alert and resourceful with them, or there’s an over emphasis on the importance of physical fitness.

What’s your take, Renea? Would love to hear how you walk this line.

Comment on I don’t want to mess up our friendship by dating. by Kirsten Bohme Sun, 15 Jan 2012 03:04:57 +0000 I have been working with this guy for like almost 4 years. He is sweet and always treated me like an adult and not a sixteen year old little brat like the rest of the kids that worked there. I knew I was too young then. When I got to the age of….18 I believe I really started to get ahead of my years with my family isssues and everything. Anyways. When I turned 18 he was becoming 25. Yes 7 year age difference, and I knew this was going to be a problem when I began to find him interesting and I wanted to get to know him more. He asked for my number but we really never really texted that much until I moved away to college. THAT is when he started to text me every night, we would call each other like4 times a week. He always knew if something was wrong and generally he was there for me. We started to hang out a little before I went to college was awkward at first. But when I came back to visit from college he would be like “where are you” “when can I see you” “You coming by work?” To see him. He would always take me out for dinner and a movie. Or bowling. ALways opened the door for me. Smiled, always listened to me, like actively listen to me, or remembered a conversation we had like months ago.
Here is where my feelings for him really took off, like this made me jump the cliff and fall hoping he would catch me.

I told him I was afraid of coming him for break because I liked who I was at college, stronger, more forth right, respected, didnt take bullshit anymore… like i became more mean or something, or badass as my friends would say. They never believed me when i told them i was the complete opposite back home. When I told him this (i also forgot what else I have said too) he responded with “Dont change too much, or you wont be Kirsten anymore”

Now, I am a girl who has been bullied, used, mentally abused, cheated on, like I have been put lowest to the low. I had no worth from what people made me feel like. My ex best friend (a guy) told me i should change to fit the guy I like. Which defeats the purpose. ANyways. TO hear this, made my heart cry. THis guy just said like the…most beautiful sentence ever for me to listen. TO just hear that, I cant even describe how hard I fell.

Well after amonth or two into my first year of college, I told him that I liked him more than a friend, and that I like how he treats me, and just is there and sees me as a girl not “one of the guys”. Well, got quiet and he said these words.

“I’m not really looking for a relationship right now…”

Well…wasnt a no or a yes. But…was weird. Well we just continued on or friendshiply ways. He knew I liked him and he treated me the same. The vibe felt a little different, he hugged me more often. But didnt really do much more than that. Still took me out, texted me or called me when i needed someone to talk to. Summer break we hung out like twice a week. then I left again and he was well…. upset. Well he looked upset and he was like “be safe” and all that.

Sooo then I have survived one year of college, then the time came back around a again. Fall in october of 2010 i told him i liked him. Then 2011 october came. bout the sammmee damn time. This time when I went home for the weekend i couldnt take it anymore. I tried hanging out and hooking up with other guys at college but all I wanted was him. SO i wrote a letter, being straight the hell forward. I told him I want more than friendship and I cant see you as a friend anymore. (heres the embarrassing part) I know where he parks his car at work and stuck teh letter under if windshield wipers.
Got a call later that night, asked if i wrote the letter i said yes. And I have no idea hwere this confidence came from but i told him straight up that is how I felt.

His reply? “I’m not looking for a relationship right now, its not a no or a yes, its a good possibility for the future…but not right now..”

Then I plainly asked him. “If youre leading me on, tell me now. If you dont see me anymore than a friend, youre too good of a guy to lead me on and something tells me youre not but.. I really cant handle that. If its friendship its friendship.”

Talk back and forth blah blah blah. Comes down to this.

“I have had and seen to many friendships get ruined by having a relationship.” So this is the reason…doesnt want to risk it now….okay..

So that was like a month ago. Not much has changed. Still takes me out still talks to me, worries bout me and everything. Theres probable more details but too much to write.. but like. I know he likes me, i know he does. Just something is holding him back…or am I just complelty stupid and being led on like people are trying to warn me about. but he is like no other guy friend i have ever had. Doesnt talk about other women, doesnt look at other women when with me. Nothing just its me and him.

So…am I being led on or is this dude believe that I am too good for him and just wants to leave it as friendship. Or what is he scared of.

Like I am literally tearing apart a lot of things to see what the problem is. And I don’t want to push him but I want this. And I know I am not giving signs of desperation, unless i am… idk.
I’m just so confused.

Should I move on? Wait? Because this is worth it I feel it, in my heart, I am so sure. And to say all this is like…huge. I have never thought myself as worth something. But I am worth the risk. I believe this.

Comment on Susan: A Character Sketch by Flashback Friday: Through the Wardrobe | speak what we feel Fri, 13 Jan 2012 21:51:21 +0000 [...] practicality is in part a mere cover-up; Susan wants to do the practical thing because… continue reading. Advertisement GA_googleAddAttr("AdOpt", "1"); GA_googleAddAttr("Origin", "other"); [...]

Comment on Dating non-Christians by Judge says following Christian beliefs wrong… « ~ BLOGGER.GUNNY.G.1984+. ~ (BLOG & EMAIL) Fri, 13 Jan 2012 13:39:14 +0000 [...] Dating non-Christians ( [...]

Comment on Dating non-Christians by reneamac Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:07:57 +0000 To hear my work described that way puts me in awe of the Holy Spirit’s power to work in, through, despite this fallen, grace-saved wretch. Many kind thanks, dear Joy, for your faith-filled support.

Comment on Dating non-Christians by reneamac Thu, 12 Jan 2012 20:03:32 +0000 Thanks, Brian. Your encouragement and affirmation mean a lot to me; I have much respect you as a friend and fellow follower.

Comment on Dating non-Christians by Love and Respect NOW » Ask Joy: Thai Food, Coffee Shops & Yokes Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:54:10 +0000 [...] Update: My friend Renea wrote a great post on the same topic…CLICK HERE Want to See More?Stuff I Like: "Harmony Called Me…&quot… God Is My Big Bully Formal Lunch [...]

Comment on Dating non-Christians by joy eggerichs Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:50:31 +0000 Well said my friend. Logically loving and full of grace. I love reading things that are said with humility and boldness and allow people to think for themselves. You point people back to belief and I am confident she will feel loved in reading this…I’m gonna link it to the video I did on dating non-christians. Thanks!

Comment on Dating non-Christians by Brian Thu, 12 Jan 2012 14:45:11 +0000 Renea,

You are so good at this, so wise. Thanks for all your thoughtful and biblically-informed advice.